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What if Santa was an email marketer?

Author's avatar By Mark Brownlow 02 Dec, 2013
Essential Essential topic

A little fun to end the year


Santa discovers his Android rendering sucks...

If Santa was an email marketer...

  • 1. He'd be the only one who could claim "open rate" is a meaningful metric.

  • 2. He wouldn't have to worry about people complaining they get "too many" presents from him.

  • 3. The message on the gift tag would be limited to 50 characters and always feature first-name personalization.

  • 4. His detailed tests on the “best time and day to send” would have extremely conclusive results (but at least a dozen experts would try and persuade him to always send on a Tuesday at 3pm).

  • 5. Around half the recipients would get their presents while out and about. Some would open them immediately, while some would wait until they got back home. And some would check the gift tags, save the valuable looking gifts for home, and dump the rest in a nearby bin.

  • 6. Nobody would get any presents unless they wrote to Santa explicitly asking for them.

  • 7. The gift would change in size to fit the space available under the tree.

  • 8. He'd send a few presents out early, featuring different gift wrap. Then he'd wait to see which wrapping got the most opens and use the winner for the rest of Christmas.

  • 9. He would always get a high open rate, even though his delivered content is often low-value or irrelevant.

  • 10. Those who don’t open their parcels would get a new parcel around December 30th: same gift, but different gift tags and wrapping.

  • 11. And if they didn't open the second parcel, Santa would write and ask them if they still want a parcel next year, otherwise he'll stop delivering.

  • 12. But if he took people off his list for not opening anything for the last six months prior to his December send...he'd go bust.

  • 13. The content of each parcel would be determined on a one-to-one basis, using an analysis of each recipient’s prior behavior.

  • 14. He'd have excellent relations with ISPs, because nobody wants to end up on Santa's blacklist.

  • 15. He wouldn't get many people reporting his gifts as unwanted (even though some of them are) and opting-out of future deliveries.

  • 16. Experts would advise him to send a few Christmas gifts in July and August to ensure customers remain engaged with his brand.

I've had my fun, now it's over to you... surely you can beat these?

Image credit: 123RF

Author's avatar

By Mark Brownlow

Mark Brownlow is a former email copywriter and publisher of the retired Email Marketing Reports site. He now works as a lecturer and writer. Connect with him via Lost Opinions.

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